The Raaaaaaage
I started writing another blog post about endoctrine disruptors, but frankly I even bored myself. So I thought I’d write a post on THE RAGE as I’ve felt it cascading through my body today. It’s the shocking suddenness of it – I can feel completely fine and then, in an instant, I am livid. All within a nano-second. The lack of control scares me. I don’t want to say it, and then I do, and then I - just - can’t - stop.
WTF is this all about? As a symptom of peri-menopause it’s right up there for me – for two days of my cycle I cannot be held accountable for the venom that spews out of my mouth. It’s scalding. When the mist passes I can see how entirely unreasonable I’ve been, and the guilt, shame and sadness arrives. In the heat of the moment though nothing could dissuade me from believing that what I speak is the absolute truth.
I’ve never been a wallflower, but this feels significantly different. I can, hand on heart, say I have never felt anger like it. And it really is instantaneous. There’s no warm-up. It’s all or nothing over here. Maisie Hill, in her excellent book, “Perimenopause Power” says of her experience, “the first major shift was that my premenstrual mood changes ramped the fuck up.” Sound familiar?
Perimenopause changes how your brain works. Estrogen affects the production of serotonin. Hormone receptors are found in your brain so it makes sense that when your hormone levels change so does your mood. Plus, and this is a BIG plus, your sleep is bound to be disturbed, (in my case by both small children and my unbelievable night sweats – a heady combination at the best of times) and the incredible mental load, emotional labour and unpaid domestic work that are typical for women at our age and stage in life.
Maisie Hill adds, “Perimenopause highlights the gross imbalances of life and wakes us up to the need for change, in our homes, our workplaces and on a global level.” I have, unequivocally, found myself becoming more and more vocal and angry about the role that men and women get to play in life, and who indeed defined these roles. Change is coming, but not fast enough.
Then the global pandemic hit and I found myself running a business, home-schooling four children, running the house and cooking endlessly, whilst my husband sat in what had been my office and worked. Just one job. His company was entirely unsympathetic and, whilst he could have pushed for time away from his desk, he felt that he would jeopardise his career if he did so. That didn’t help the rage.
All around the country women picked up the slack, homeschooled, juggled frantically and ran themselves into the ground. Of course there are exceptions to the rule, and single parents deserve some kind of all-inclusive-5* holiday that lasts for a month with the best childcare thrown in. Women can’t have it all and yet somehow we are expected to do it all. So, where to go? I’ve been googling and reading up on this, and everywhere I turn the advice is the same…
Firstly, accept the rage. It’s real so, whilst you may not want to make friends with it, don’t try and push it down or deny its existence. Recognise the emotion, name it to yourself and tell yourself it’s not you, it’s your body adjusting to a new phase in life.
Try and identify triggers. Dehydration may make you more prone to mood swings. Caffeine and booze can heighten anxiety so you may need to look at your intake and adjust accordingly, (no one said this would be fun). Try and dial down your stress levels. All easier said than done, but some yoga, meditation or breath work should help.
Watch the language you’re using in your thoughts (or, in my case, aloud). Try and replace need and should with “I’d like to…” Always, never and everything are signs you’re throwing around inaccurate generalisations that make a situation more extreme than it actually is.
Lastly, and most importantly, try to put your needs front and centre. Selfless is just not a quality I want attributed to me –and it’s not a model I want my daughters to subscribe to. When I sacrifice too much of myself I end up… guess what… angry. Which just doesn’t help the rage AT ALL.
I’ve had many battles with my mental health and I know that taking care of myself Is a necessity, and I don’t see that as selfish. Learning to prioritise myself has been a little uncomfortable at times, but now I’m totally fine with claiming an hour for a tennis lesson, having a nap whilst the kids are happily watching TV or reading a book whilst ignoring all the things I “should” be doing, like the washing, the endless pile of stuff that never gets sorted… you get the picture.
If all else fails, I do go and do some barre because it’s basically magic. There’s a kind of alchemy where the music, the endorphin rush and being forced out of my head and into the moment by the complexity of the movement that makes me a much better human. I hope you find your happy place in this amazingly complex and difficult phase of our lives.
Jx