CAN WE GIVE OURSELVES A BREAK WHEN IT COMES TO OUR BODIES?
There’s no other relationship in life like the relationship we have with our bodies. It is constant, never-ending and deeply complex. Studies show that in our forties and fifties most women reach the peak of their mental, emotional and physical effectiveness – having reached a state of confidence in their careers, possibly brought up a family, gained some hard-won wisdom and learned a few lessons along the way.
And yet… midlife women are the most dissatisfied with their physical appearance out of any age group. We tend to think of concerns about body image being the preserve of youth, and yet we are FOUR times more likely to dislike what we see in the mirror than teenage girls.
Body image is the way you see yourself, and the way you imagine others see you. Consider the number of hours most of us have spent thinking negatively about our bodies if we added them all up over a lifetime. What would it look like if we could quantify the shame and disgust and the terrible things we say to ourselves about our bodies? But these bodies, for all their perceived faults, carry us through each day, bear and feed children and perform a million different, incredible things for us on a daily basis.
Importantly we cannot escape the fact that bodies change. It’s inevitable. Attaching your self-worth to something so fleeting is folly. Statistically we will live a third of our life as post-menopausal women. Metabolisms slow. Fat is redistributed around the body. Skin crepes. And yet there will be a day when our bodies aren’t so strong, so supple or pain-free, and I don’t want to spend those days regretting that I didn’t appreciate my health whilst I still had it.
Practising gratitude for all these things that we currently take for granted is key for ageing happily. Trying to accept age-related changes and being kinder and more forgiving to yourself is so important.
Society still presents youth as the ideal standard of beauty. Ageing is seen as distasteful, or in some way shameful. We need to “reverse the process”, “roll back the years”, or “look ten years younger.” Says who? Says the people trying to sell you stuff. The reality is it’s all one big racket. It’s a fact that the worse you feel, the more you buy. Profit is always the bottom line. We need to try and deconstruct the body ideal that society is selling us. It is unrealistic and unobtainable, and today even the most youthful, fecund and beautiful women are filtered, altered or enhanced.
What are the attributes you really look up to and value in the women in your life or in your role models? I respect hard work, integrity, goodness and the ability to pick yourself up in the face of adversity. What these women look like is neither here nor there. Whatever the purpose you’ve been set on this planet, I guarantee it has nothing to do with the circumference of your thighs.
So if we live in an age where beauty is defined by the young, where do we fit in? Fashion, exercise, beauty, fame – all of these tenets of life are aimed at women younger than ourselves. Moreover, it’s discombobulating when you look in the mirror and the reflection bears no resemblance to your perception of yourself. I spend most of my day in a studio surrounded by mirrors. It can be very unsettling. Invisibility threatens our self-esteem. It’s easy to feel demoralised, dejected and like we have been sidelined.
We need a new manifesto for this new phase of our lives. There are some simple steps to take to start off with, and we’ll figure out more as we go along,
Wardrobe purge
Get rid of the clothes that you’re hoping to fit back into. It’s an easy step to take. A good purge and the guilt is gone. This first step to self-acceptance is a kind one. “Eat less, move more” doesn’t ring true for 90% of midlife ladies. Bodies change. Your old tricks don’t work. It’s time to find some new ones.
Find things that make you feel centred, give you a sense of freedom and confidence.
May I recommend barre? Jokes asides, it’s time to be authentic, and to listen to yourself. We spend so much of our life trying to fit in, but one advantage to being less visible is it matters less what people think. I cannot be inauthentic any longer. It just doesn’t sit right. Listen to your inner voice and do what makes you truly happy. It’s about time.
Learning to move for enjoyment instead of punishment, or as a way to control your body, is one of the best things you can do for your mental health.
You lose a lot of joy when you think of exercise only as a means to be thin. We need to exercise now for far more important reasons: think bone strength, heart health and balancing out our hormones. Use it or lose it baby. It will slow down the aging process, increase your self-confidence and give you the chance to find something that brings you deep happiness. Place greater importance on how your body functions than how it looks and practice being grateful for it.
Become a critical viewer of social and media messages.
There is a massive underrepresentation of older women in the media. Please only follow accounts that only make you feel good about yourself, and delete any that make you feel less than. Comparison really is the thief of joy.
Lastly, put yourself first.
Societal expectations still demand women look after others before attending to our own needs. Unsurprisingly perhaps, I think this is bullshit. Putting your own physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs on the back burner is, whilst sometimes inevitable, also a recipe for unhappiness. Adapting self-care skills is crucial – carving out time to do things that make you feel good is an important step towards building better body image.
This is a huge subject, and I’ve found it challenging both to write and to think about. The truth is that one day I just decided to care less about all of it, and very soon afterwards my business took off, and it became very tempting to care more. It still is. I have to consciously try not to only choose pictures that I think make me look good, or chuck a filter on when I don’t, or not film something because I haven’t had time to put my make up on, but I know you’d probably like me less for that.
So thanks for keeping me honest. You’ve done me a favour - it’s been a revelation and a relief. Can you do yourself the same favour?