GUEST BLOG: Unwelcome Visitor
I am not naturally a worrier. The stress I deal with tends to be when something has actually gone wrong (don’t get me wrong - this happens with horrible frequency) as opposed to being pre-emptive. On the whole this has served me well over the years albeit, I am married to a worrier which mitigates some of the down-side of not worrying - I fully acknowledge that sometimes a little urgency is no bad thing. Particularly when dealing with parking tickets and the like.
So the developments of the last month or so have taken me completely by surprise. It started with a headache - across my sinuses - not so bad that I couldn’t function, but persistent. Then vertigo: a buzzing in my ears and bouts of dizziness that can sweep in at any time, when I’m standing or sitting, and invariably leave me feeling seasick. The tightness in my chest building in to a full scale lump, preventing me from breathing freely. Actual shaking. It obviously sounds ridiculous but I have been convinced I am dying.
The logical side of my brain knows how ridiculous this is. But it’s drowned out by the alarm bells ringing in my ears.
On reflection it’s not necessarily surprising that I’m feeling a little tense. Juggling work with three kids on summer holiday is a logistical nightmare. The main issue though is that the busier life gets the less time I have to exercise.
For the last few years I have prioritised exercise. It goes pretty high on my list - not right at the top but pretty close. That position is totally justified by the mental and physical benefits of exercising regularly. Or even not so regularly. But recently the few items higher on the list seem to be taking up more time and more energy than usual. The kids are home and the juggle is real. I’m playing an endless game of catch up with work (note, I will never catch up, so framing it like this is totally bloody pointless). The house is an actual building site - we have been without a kitchen for 5 weeks now. My task list is overwhelming, being both longer and vaguer than ever before - requiring more focus and more energy to get anything completed. Exercise has all but dropped off the bottom of the list.
I know precisely what’s required. I need to pull on some lycra and bang out some endorphine-releasing pliés. This will definitely help. It will definitely make me feel better, it will give me some time out of the swirling brain fog (Jen can do the thinking, I’ll copy her, everything will feel better), it will help me to breathe more deeply and it will release happy hormones that will course through my body.
I am also committing to taking five minutes a day to do nothing. Well, breathe, but aside from that nothing. This usually involves me hiding in a loo with a locked door and my head resting against the wall. Very zen. I'm trying to accept support from my friends and family, which doesn't come easily to me, but I understand is essential right now. And lastly I'm setting boundaries and saying no. And not just to the kids.
So I’m afraid this isn’t the happy ending of how barre saved me from myself. In the long run it will help me I'm sure because I realise how out of balance I am without it. And that will just have to be ok. Next week is another week (of school holidays... faaaaackkkk).